Mental Illness is Fun. Not. 

I still haven’t figured out exactly what to post and not post on social media (and the blog). I probably never will. There’s a small group who have told me they enjoy the family stuff, and/or the music stuff, and/or the nostalgia. Because of the current situation in the country, I can’t stop myself from posting socio-political content occasionally, because things are so extremely messed up. Of course sometimes after a few days (or hours), I think, “I don’t like that post” and I delete it. 

So I don’t know if this is appropriate and I don’t know if I’ll leave it or delete it. 

Anyway, I’ve been in a battle most of my adult life with mental illness (to put it vaguely). There have been stretches when it was less of a battle; I was relatively healthy and happy, and I ‘made friends’ with my craziness. Conversely, there have been times when it was so brutal and maddening and excruciating, when I was in such a deeply miserable state, that it’s impossible to realistically represent it with a few words. It’s hell. 

It’s also an ongoing dialogue with my doctor. I’ve tried prescription medication multiple times and it didn’t work (I know that many have benefited from these drugs, but I have not – net yet anyway). Like many in this situation, I’ve also self-medicated with various substances. That rarely works, as everyone knows (and “partying” looks pointless and stupid at this stage). I have a good brain; I’m creative, skilled, knowledgeable. But man can it go to dark and scary places. Call it cognitive chaos. Very few people understand it or know what to do, what to say, how to navigate it. Many simply disappear. “Harry’s too difficult” is a pretty common refrain. But one thing is certain: this kills people. No question. I’ve known a few, and I reached out and tried to help as much as I could. 

Anyway, two points to wrap up this sunny Sunday ramble. 1) The good news about me is I’m a fighter and survivor. I recently turned 59 years old. Many with this kind of brain chemistry don’t make it to 59. But I get pissed off. I re-dedicate myself. I focus. I discuss it. I research and learn. I’m good to myself. Therapy has been extremely helpful. I get to work; keeping busy is crucial. And… usually things improve. It’s not easy and it won’t be moving forward. But I have faith in myself and in my (small) group of close friends. I’m grateful for my people. 2) If any of this feels familiar to you, know that you are not alone. You absolutely are not. It’s okay to be crazy. It’s okay to be angry. There are a lot of us out there, trying to act normal, trying to make money, trying to handle it, and gosh knows it can feel impossible. What’s most important is this IMHO: be good to you. Yell. Cry. Laugh. Eat healthy food. Take a nap. Dive deep into your work, whatever it is. Fill up the calendar – structure is good. Exercise. Listen to your favorite music – loud! Dance and shout and let it out. Don’t harm yourself or others. Find those trusted, wonderful people who love you, who get it, who want to help. Actively love them. Actively love yourself. 

And if it feels like you don’t have anyone, I know the feeling. PM me. We’ll get on the phone and I promise, after honestly discussing it for a while, we’ll both be laughing. You know how this goes: we keep working our asses off, we celebrate the good days and fight through the bad ones, and we find the humor in the complicated, painful absurdity. No one said this would be easy. And the calvary is definitely not coming. But you can get through it. If I can, you can! I’m not especially strong. I just keep trying. This is a marathon, not a sprint, and the race ain’t over yet.  hg